I’ve never really been a shy person or anything like that but recently I’ve been doing some soul searching and have noticed I’ve really changed. I always thought when I was around 16 that I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted to do (I still wanted to study journalism and now I do so I guess that’s something?). I wasn’t the most pleasant person really which I would like to blame on hormones but I think I was also just a bit of a bitch too.
I really didn’t like many people growing up which I stand by to a certain degree because I live in a really small place so you’re obviously not going to like everyone. However, I think a lot of my dislike for others stemmed from myself not really fitting in with anyone. I did have friends throughout school but never really felt like they were 100% my sort of people, you know? I guess it just made me bitter which is a shame to think back on.
I really began to notice a difference in myself once I returned home from Bali a few weeks ago but I think since moving away from home last September is where I really started to grow as a person. Throughout school I had a lot of resentment and bitterness towards other people which maybe through no fault of their own I held onto. I always felt really held back and restricted in my small home town and slowly after moving away I started becoming more like the real me than this watered down version I was at home.
I still love the little village where I come from as it will always be my home but perhaps one of the biggest factors of me being bitter was the constant gossip and small town syndrome that carries on there. Everyone feels entitled to know everyones business just because you know them. Things that are literally none of anybody else’s business become public knowledge for everyone to discuss. I immediately noticed a difference after moving away because nobody cares what happened to you in second year or how many boys you kissed because they realise its none of their business.
The biggest difference I can see within myself is my focus on positivity which has made me an undoubtedly happier person. I used to hold grudges forever and claim i’d take them to the grave but holding onto negative energy like that just isn’t necessary and doesn’t bring me joy. I’ve really been trying to practise a lot of forgiveness lately for my own benefit. Instead of being mad and holding grudges against people who have wronged me in the last year or two years ago or whenever just to forgive and let the anger go.
It’s easy now to sit back and think about the previous aspects of my life and personality which made me unhappy now I feel I’ve removed myself from them. I feel more confident, more self assured and so so much happier with the way my life is and the people I have around me and the things I am achieving.
siobhan Macdonald 